1. AndycruiserguyLomas

    AndycruiserguyLomas Well-Known Member I am in england

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    THIS IS FOR YOU CHUS.

    I’ve got a contract to supply little straw roofs for airline desks at the airport, but I won’t know how many to invoice till I finish the job.

    Because you can’t count your check-ins till they’re thatched.


    Usual standard I'd say.
     
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  2. Chas

    Chas Well-Known Member I am in england

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    Love it :romance-heartbeati: :animals-chickencat:
     
  3. Chas

    Chas Well-Known Member I am in england

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    A young man with his pants hanging half off his ass, two gold front teeth, and a half inch thick gold chain
    around his neck; walked into the local dole office to pick up his cheque.
    He marched up to the counter and said,
    "Hi. You know, I just HATE drawing the dole. I'd really rather have a job.. I don't like taking advantage of the system, getting something for nothing."
    The social worker behind the counter said "Your timing is excellent. We Just got a job opening from a
    very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have
    to drive around in his 2018 Mercedes-Benz CL, and he will supply all of your clothes."

    "Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her
    overseas holiday trips. This is rather awkward to say but you will also have, as part of your job, the
    assignment to satisfy her sexual needs as the daughter is in her mid-20's and has a rather strong
    sex drive."
    The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said, "You're shittin' me!"

    The social worker said, "Yeah, well...
    You started it." .....
     
  4. AndycruiserguyLomas

    AndycruiserguyLomas Well-Known Member I am in england

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    A female weightlifter goes to the doctor's,
    "I've been taking steroids and now I've grown a penis."
    "Anabolic?" asks the doctor.
    "No, just a penis!"
     
  5. notsodusty

    notsodusty Well-Known Member I am in australia

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    "Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl."
    The priest asks, "Is that you, little Joey Pagano?"
    "Yes, Father, it is."
    "And who was the girl you were with?"
    "I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."
    "Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?"
    "I cannot say."
    "Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?"
    "I'll never tell."
    "Was it Nina Capelli?"
    "I'm sorry, but I cannot name her."
    "Was it Cathy Piriano?"
    "My lips are sealed."
    "Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?"
    "Please, Father! I cannot tell you."
    The priest sighs in frustration. "You're very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself."
    Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?"
    "Four months vacation and five good leads..."
     
  6. Chas

    Chas Well-Known Member I am in england

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    IDIOT SIGHTING
    I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport security employee asked,
    'Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?'
    To which I replied, 'If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?'
    He smiled knowingly and nodded, 'That's why we ask.'
     
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  7. AndycruiserguyLomas

    AndycruiserguyLomas Well-Known Member I am in england

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    I went to a sports day in Japan recently. It was quite enjoyable, but I must say the egg and chopstick race was a challenge.
     
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  8. Pat

    Pat Well-Known Member I am in new_zealand

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    F0009369-56E7-4591-93E5-2866D12D42D6.png
     
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  9. Pat

    Pat Well-Known Member I am in new_zealand

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  10. AndycruiserguyLomas

    AndycruiserguyLomas Well-Known Member I am in england

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    I had a bad time when I was an11year old.
    First I got tonsillitis, & then pneumonia.
    Appendicitis next, followed by poliomyelitis.
    After that I got catarrh & then it was bronchitis.
    Then they gave me analgesics & inoculation.

    I can't remember ever having a worse spelling test.
     
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  11. Chas

    Chas Well-Known Member I am in england

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    A farmer from Skipton sadly lost his wife. He contacted the Yorkshire Post to arrange an obituary. The couple had been happily married for 50 years before she passed away.

    The farmer went to the newspaper office to make the arrangements. When informed of the cost, the man uttered, in true Yorkshire fashion, “ Ow Much? ”
    “Ah want summat simple” he explained, “My Gladys were a gud ‘arted an’ ‘ard-workin’ Yorkshire lass but she wunt av wanted owt swanky.”

    “Perhaps a small poem”, suggested the woman at the desk.

    “Nay”, he said, “she wunt av wanted owt la-di-da. Just put, ‘Gladys Braithwaite died’”.

    “You need to say when”, he was told by the receptionist.

    “Do I? Well, put died 17th March. That'll do”.

    “It is usual for the bereaved to add some meaningful phrase about the dearly departed”.

    The man considered for a moment. “Well, put in, ‘Sadly missed’. That'll do”, he said.

    “You can have another four words”, the woman explained.

    “No, no”, he cried, “she wouldn' av wanted me to splash out”.

    “The words are included in the standard price”, the woman informed him.

    “Ah they? Tha means av paid for 'em?”.

    “Yes, indeed sir”.

    “Well, if av paid for 'em , am 'avin ‘em”

    The obituary was duly printed as follows:

    Gladys Braithwaite died, 17th March. Sadly missed. Also tractor for sale.
     
  12. AndycruiserguyLomas

    AndycruiserguyLomas Well-Known Member I am in england

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    Just popping out to post a bacon sandwich.
     
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  13. Chas

    Chas Well-Known Member I am in england

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    ??
     
  14. clivehorridge

    clivehorridge Well-Known Member Guru I am in romania

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    I’m guessing, but it’s gotta be a cross-over from the funny pictures thread Chas, the guy posting a letter mistaking a lady in a burka for a post-box.
     
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  15. Chas

    Chas Well-Known Member I am in england

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    That's what I thought Clive, but I just thought it's,just Andy with another weird effort in Jokes. sorry Andy. :lol:
     
    Last edited: Aug 12, 2018
  16. clivehorridge

    clivehorridge Well-Known Member Guru I am in romania

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    Well it was too, don’t think the post box in the burka would be too pleased with a bacon sarnie of all things... :lol::lol::lol:
     
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  17. Chas

    Chas Well-Known Member I am in england

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    Right, to get back on track,


    During camouflage training on Salisbury Plain, a private disguised as a tree trunk had made a sudden move that was spotted by a visiting general.

    "You idiot!" the officer barked.

    "Don't you know that by jumping and yelling the way you did, you could have endangered the lives of the entire company?"

    "Yes sir," the solder answered apologetically.

    "But, if I may say so, I did stand still when a flock of pigeons used me for target practice.

    And I never moved a muscle when a large dog peed on my trunk.

    But when two squirrels ran up my pants leg and I heard the bigger one say, "Let's eat one now and save the other until winter' - that did it!"
     
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  18. notsodusty

    notsodusty Well-Known Member I am in australia

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  19. Ton377

    Ton377 New Member I am in scotland

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    My wife's sister knocked me out yesterday, I was so bloody angry,

    I mean what kind of sicko puts chloroform on their dirty knickers!
     
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  20. AndycruiserguyLomas

    AndycruiserguyLomas Well-Known Member I am in england

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    What do you call an obese Goth?...

    Vampire, the buffet slayer
     
    hopeless wanderer likes this.
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