1. AndycruiserguyLomas

    AndycruiserguyLomas Well-Known Member I am in england

    3,814
    1,102
    113
    Map
    I booked Kid Rock, The Scissor Sisters and Paperboy to play my music festival but they all cancelled.
     
    clivehorridge likes this.
  2. AndycruiserguyLomas

    AndycruiserguyLomas Well-Known Member I am in england

    3,814
    1,102
    113
    Map
    [Fancy Dress Shop] -
    I'm going to a Vitamin themed party. Do you have a Vitamin B1 costume? - No. - B2? - No. - B3? - No. - B4? - No. - B5? - No. - B6? - No. - B7? - No. - B8? - No. - B9? - No. - I WILL NOT BE BEATEN! - That's a shame, we have one of those.

    You know what they say?
    A groan a day........
     
    clivehorridge likes this.
  3. Chas

    Chas Well-Known Member I am in england

    15,912
    3,415
    113
    Garage:
    Map
    Old Fritz reaches the grand old age of 100 and his children and grandchildren have the clever idea of taking him to the German parliament in Berlin, the Bundestag, for his special day.
    Off they go to Berlin and old Fritz sits through an entire parliamentary debate. When his family meet him outside, they ask:
    "Well, how was it, Grandad?"
    "Och, just the same as it always was," says old Fritz. "Adolf has put on a bit of weight, but he still likes wearing women's clothes."
     
  4. AndycruiserguyLomas

    AndycruiserguyLomas Well-Known Member I am in england

    3,814
    1,102
    113
    Map
    I sold someone some cannabis the other day. When he handed over his money, I asked, "Anything else?"

    "An' a gram of cocaine, please, mate."

    I paused for a minute before saying, with uncertainty, "...Oceanic?"
     
    Chas likes this.
  5. Chas

    Chas Well-Known Member I am in england

    15,912
    3,415
    113
    Garage:
    Map
    A blonde decides to do something wild she hasn't done before, so she sets out to rent her first X-rated adult video.
    She goes to the video store and after looking around for a while selects a title that sounds very stimulating.
    She drives home, lights some scented candle, slips into something comfortable, and puts the tape in the VCR. To her disappointment, there's nothing but static on the screen.
    She got so mad and called the video store to complain.
    Blonde: "I just rented ...an adult movie from you and there's nothing on the tape, but static."
    Store Clerk: "Sorry about that. We've had problems with some of those tapes. Which title did you rent?"
    Blonde: "It's called, Head Cleaner."
     
    clivehorridge likes this.
  6. Chas

    Chas Well-Known Member I am in england

    15,912
    3,415
    113
    Garage:
    Map
    To the guy who stole my anti-depressants... I hope you're happy now
     
  7. notsodusty

    notsodusty Well-Known Member I am in australia

    605
    362
    63
    Map
  8. AndycruiserguyLomas

    AndycruiserguyLomas Well-Known Member I am in england

    3,814
    1,102
    113
    Map
    "Can we watch Bohemian Rhapsody tonight, pleeeeeeease?"

    " Alright, but ONLY if we can have roast beef for dinner."

    " Bummer... Just grilled a ham...
     
    Chas likes this.
  9. Chas

    Chas Well-Known Member I am in england

    15,912
    3,415
    113
    Garage:
    Map
    A frustrated wife buys a pair of crutchless knickers in an attempt to spice up her dead sex-life.
    She puts them on, together with a short skirt and sits on the couch opposite her husband.
    At strategic moments she uncrosses her legs ……. enough times till her husband says……....
    ”Are you wearing crutchless knickers?”
    “Y-e-s,” she answers with a seductive smile.
    “Thank Christ for that……. I thought the stuffing was coming out of the sofa..................”
     
    Higgy likes this.
  10. AndycruiserguyLomas

    AndycruiserguyLomas Well-Known Member I am in england

    3,814
    1,102
    113
    Map
    Sir Cliff Richard has deactivated his his Twitter account because of online abuse. He had....

    Spying, talking, tweeting, stalking living trolls.
     
    clivehorridge and Chas like this.
  11. AndycruiserguyLomas

    AndycruiserguyLomas Well-Known Member I am in england

    3,814
    1,102
    113
    Map
    People keep asking me to stop naming Bruce Willis movies.

    But you know what they say, old habits pulp fiction.
     
    clivehorridge likes this.
Don't like the adverts? Become a supporter

Share This Page

  1. This site uses cookies to help personalise content, tailor your experience and to keep you logged in if you register.
    By continuing to use this site, you are consenting to our use of cookies.
    Dismiss Notice