Jokes

AndycruiserguyLomas

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Nov 19, 2010
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[Fancy Dress Shop] -
I'm going to a Vitamin themed party. Do you have a Vitamin B1 costume? - No. - B2? - No. - B3? - No. - B4? - No. - B5? - No. - B6? - No. - B7? - No. - B8? - No. - B9? - No. - I WILL NOT BE BEATEN! - That's a shame, we have one of those.

You know what they say?
A groan a day........
 
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Chas

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Old Fritz reaches the grand old age of 100 and his children and grandchildren have the clever idea of taking him to the German parliament in Berlin, the Bundestag, for his special day.
Off they go to Berlin and old Fritz sits through an entire parliamentary debate. When his family meet him outside, they ask:
"Well, how was it, Grandad?"
"Och, just the same as it always was," says old Fritz. "Adolf has put on a bit of weight, but he still likes wearing women's clothes."
 

AndycruiserguyLomas

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I sold someone some cannabis the other day. When he handed over his money, I asked, "Anything else?"

"An' a gram of cocaine, please, mate."

I paused for a minute before saying, with uncertainty, "...Oceanic?"
 
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Chas

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A blonde decides to do something wild she hasn't done before, so she sets out to rent her first X-rated adult video.
She goes to the video store and after looking around for a while selects a title that sounds very stimulating.
She drives home, lights some scented candle, slips into something comfortable, and puts the tape in the VCR. To her disappointment, there's nothing but static on the screen.
She got so mad and called the video store to complain.
Blonde: "I just rented ...an adult movie from you and there's nothing on the tape, but static."
Store Clerk: "Sorry about that. We've had problems with some of those tapes. Which title did you rent?"
Blonde: "It's called, Head Cleaner."
 
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Chas

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A frustrated wife buys a pair of crutchless knickers in an attempt to spice up her dead sex-life.
She puts them on, together with a short skirt and sits on the couch opposite her husband.
At strategic moments she uncrosses her legs ……. enough times till her husband says……....
”Are you wearing crutchless knickers?”
“Y-e-s,” she answers with a seductive smile.
“Thank Christ for that……. I thought the stuffing was coming out of the sofa..................”
 
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Chas

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Bert, 80, always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots. So, seeing some on sale, he bought them and wore them home.

Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife, “Notice anything different about me?”

Margaret, 75, looked him over.


“Nope.”

Frustrated, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for the boots.

Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time, “Notice anything different NOW?”

Margaret looked up and said in her best deadpan, “Bert, what’s different? It’s hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it’ll be hanging down again tomorrow.”

Furious, Bert yelled, “AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT’S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?”

“Nope. Not a clue,” she replied.

“IT’S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT’S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!”

Without missing a beat, Margaret replied, “Shoulda bought a hat, Bert! Shoulda bought a hat.”
 
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Chas

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Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. They talk about their moonshine operation while having a bite to eat,

Suddenly, a woman eating a sandwich at a nearby table begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress.

One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, “Kin ya swallar?”

The woman shakes her head no. Then he asks, “Kin ya breathe?”

The woman begins to turn blue, and shakes her head no.


The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers, and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.


The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm, and the obstruction flies out of her mouth. As she begins to breathe again, the hillbilly walks slowly back to his table.


His partner says, “Ya know, I’d heerd of that there ‘Hind Lick Maneuver’ but I ain’t never seed nobody do it.”
 

Chas

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While in China , an American man is very sexually promiscuous and does
not use a condom the entire time he is there.

A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple spots.Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor. The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days for the results.

...
The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor says, “I’ve got bad news for you, you’ve contracted Mongolian VD. It’s very rare and almost unheard of here in the US, we know very little about it.”

The man looks a little perplexed and says, “Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up, Doc.”

The doctor answers, “I’m sorry, there's no known cure. We’re going to have to amputate your penis.”

The man screams in horror, “Absolutely not! I want a second opinion!!!”

The doctor replies, “Well, it’s your choice. Go ahead, if you want ,but surgery is your only option.”

The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he’ll know more about the disease.
The Chinese doctor examines his penis and proclaims, “Ah, yes, Mongolian VD. Vewy ware disease.”

The guy says to the doctor, “Yeah, yeah, I already know that, but what can we do? My American doctor wants to cut off my penis!”

The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs. “Stupid American docttah, always want opawate. Make more money dat way. No need amputate!”

“Oh, thank God!” the man exclaims.

“Yes,” says the Chinese doctor. “Wait two week. Fall off by itself!”
 

Chas

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Mar 15, 2010
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Little old ladies are the best.

An Airline Pilot on this particular flight where he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The Airline had a policy which required the First Officer to stand at the door while the Passengers exited, smile, and give them a “Thanks for flying our Airline.”
He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment.
Finally everyone had got off except for a little old lady walking with a cane.
She said, “Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?”
“Why, no, Ma’am,” said the Pilot. “What is it?”
The little old lady said, “Did we land, or were we shot down?”
Wait there's more.
The best one.
A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the Captain made an announcement over the intercom, “Ladies and gentlemen, this is your Captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax… OH, MY GOD!” —
Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the Captain came back on the intercom and said, “Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, the Flight Attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!”
A passenger in Coach yelled, “That’s nothing. You should see the back of mine!”
 
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