1. clivehorridge

    clivehorridge Well-Known Member Supporter Guru I am in romania

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  2. Jake the Peg

    Jake the Peg Member I am in scotland

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    Soz if this has been posted before!

    I met a bloke worth around £4 million and he told the story of how he got rich.

    When he left school he had no qualifications but he was good with his hands.

    He left school at 15 and bought an old Land Rover and spent a few weeks fixing it up, he then sold it for profit. He then used the money to buy another and so on. He did this a lot over the next 35 years, buying, repairing, selling, buying again.

    He eventually moved onto Defenders in the 90's and then onto Range Rovers in the last eight or nine years. He worked long hours as you do in the Land Rover trade, sometimes not seeing his wife and kids for days in pursuit of his goal.

    Then his uncle died and left him £4 million.

    A real heartwarming story.
     
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  3. AndycruiserguyLomas

    AndycruiserguyLomas Well-Known Member I am in england

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    The first rule of Pop Music Club is you never talk about Pop Music, talk about, pop music, shoobie doobie do wop, pop pop shoo wop Club.
     
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  4. AndycruiserguyLomas

    AndycruiserguyLomas Well-Known Member I am in england

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    [Lion & horse in restaurant]

    Lion: "2 prawn cocktails to start."

    Waiter: "And for your mains?"

    Lion: "He'll have a brush & I just need a comb."
     
  5. AndycruiserguyLomas

    AndycruiserguyLomas Well-Known Member I am in england

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    "Do you like Tolstoy?"

    "Of course. Who doesn't?"

    "What's your favourite book?"

    "The one where Woody is kidnapped & Buzz tries to save him".
     
  6. AndycruiserguyLomas

    AndycruiserguyLomas Well-Known Member I am in england

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    Two old men are sitting on the deck of a cruise ship. The first one asks, “Have you read Marx?” The other one replies, “Yes. I believe that comes from sitting on these wicker chairs.”
     
  7. AndycruiserguyLomas

    AndycruiserguyLomas Well-Known Member I am in england

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    FRIEND :(who had just been bitten by a very venomous spider.) "Hurry,........ the antidote!"

    ME: "This reminds me of a time........

    FRIEND: "No, not an anecdote!" *Dies*
     
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  8. Chas

    Chas Well-Known Member I am in england

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    :laughing-rolling: Andy, you've been pulling too many Christmas crackers haven't you?
     
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  9. AndycruiserguyLomas

    AndycruiserguyLomas Well-Known Member I am in england

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    "Excuse me, garçon! Can we get the menu in english, please?"

    "Mais oui!"

    "Oh. Sorry - MAY we get the menu in English, please?"
     
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  10. AndycruiserguyLomas

    AndycruiserguyLomas Well-Known Member I am in england

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    These aren't any old cracker jokes Chas, these are Poundland " reduced to clear" cracker jokes.
     
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  11. flint

    flint Well-Known Member Supporter I am in great_britain

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    :fearscream::cry::anguished: !!

    Bacon and egg walk into a pub, landlord said sorry, we don't serve breakfast.
     
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  12. AndycruiserguyLomas

    AndycruiserguyLomas Well-Known Member I am in england

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    Welcome to the Blue Suede shoes help line.

    Dial: 1 for the money.
    2 for the show.
    3 to get ready.
    4 to hear the options again.
     
  13. AndycruiserguyLomas

    AndycruiserguyLomas Well-Known Member I am in england

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    Bouncer: "I'm going to have to ask you to leave."

    Me: "Why?"

    Bouncer: "I have no idea who you are and this is my trampoline."
     
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  14. AndycruiserguyLomas

    AndycruiserguyLomas Well-Known Member I am in england

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    Joe wanted to buy a Harley motorcycle. He doesn't have much luck, until one day, he comes across a Harley with a 'for sale' sign on it.

    The bike looks better than a new one, although it is 10 years old. It's shiny and in mint condition.

    He buys it and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years.

    'Well, it's quite simple,' says the seller, 'whenever the bike is outside and it's gonna rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome.It protects it from the rain, and he
    hands Joe a jar of Vaseline.

    That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet her parents.
    Naturally, they take the bike there.

    Just before they enter the house, Sandra stops him and says, 'I have to
    tell you something about my family.

    'When we eat dinner, we don't talk.

    In fact, the FIRST person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes.'

    'No problem,' he says.. And in they go.

    Joe is shocked.Right in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes.

    In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes. Piled up on the stairs, in the corridor, everywhere he looks dirty dishes.

    They sit down to dinner, and sure enough, no one says a word.

    As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the situation.

    He leans over and kisses Sandra.

    No one says a word.

    He reaches over and fondles her breasts. Nobody says a word.

    So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the table
    and screws her, right there in front of her parents.

    His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word.

    He looks at her mom. She's got a great body too.

    Joe grabs mom, bends her over the table, pulls down her panties, and screws her every which way but loose
    right there on the dinner table.

    She has a big orgasm, & Joe sits down.

    His girlfriend is furious, her dad is boiling, & Mom is beaming from ear to ear. But still ... . Total silence.

    All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain.

    Joe remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket.

    Suddenly the father shouts.
    I'll do the fuckin’ dishes!!
     
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  15. Chas

    Chas Well-Known Member I am in england

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    :laughing-rolling:
     
  16. flint

    flint Well-Known Member Supporter I am in great_britain

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    In a similar vein:

    The inventor Arthur Davidson, of the Harley Davidson Motorcycle Corporation, died and went to heaven. At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur,"Since you've been such a good man and your Motorcycles have changed the world,your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want in Heaven." Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, "I want to hang out with God." St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God. Arthur then asked God, "Hey, aren't you the inventor of women? "God said, "Ah, yes. " "Well, " said Arthur, "professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention." God was somewhat taken back, and when He asked what the flaws might be, Arthur Davidson produced a list for Him to read. 1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusions 2. It chatters constantly at high speeds. 3. Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much. 4. The intake is placed way to close to the exhaust and finally, 5. The maintenance costs are outrageous. "Hmmmm, you may have some good points there and it may be true that My invention is flawed... " God said to Arthur. "But the last time that I checked, more men are riding My invention than yours."
     
  17. Shayne

    Shayne Well-Known Member Guru

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    Ship in trouble: Mayday, Mayday, We are SINKING, We are SINKING!



    German coastguard: What are you sinking about?

    One from Andy's christmas crackers .
     
  18. Chas

    Chas Well-Known Member I am in england

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    2 Essex girls were discussing their boyfriends.

    Brunette: Last night I had *three* orgasms in a row!

    Judi: That's nothing; last night I had over twenty.

    Brunette: My god! I had no idea he was that good.

    Judi: (looking shocked) Oh, you mean with one fella.
     
  19. Pat

    Pat Well-Known Member I am in new_zealand

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    4BCAFB99-140D-4ED1-8C3A-B568FD2D55D2.png I think I’m nearly in this position
     
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  20. AndycruiserguyLomas

    AndycruiserguyLomas Well-Known Member I am in england

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    " My Star Trek fancy dress party was going well until we had a power cut and a fight broke out between three Vulcans."

    " Issue with a few Spocks?"

    "No I think it was a fault at the substation."
     
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