Jokes

[Chas]

The husband leans over and asks his wife, 'Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you.'

'Yes', she says, 'I remember it well.'

'OK,' he says, 'How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?'

'Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!'

A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself,
I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.

The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the
back of the tavern and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.

The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know..

After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back
on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.

So, as the couple passes, he says to them, 'Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life
together. Is there some sort of secret to this?'

Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply, 'Well son, fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence.'

 

[Dave Docwra]

The bartender was washing his glasses, when an elderly Irishman came in.With great difficulty, the Irishman hoisted his bad leg over the barstool, pulled himself up painfully, and asked for a sip of Irish whiskey. The Irishman looked down the bar and said, "Is that Jesus down there?" The bartender nodded,so the Irishman told him to give Jesus an Irish whiskey,too. The next patron to come in was an ailing Italian with a hunched back,who moved very slowly. He shuffled up to the barstool and asked for a glass of Chianti. He also looked down the bar and asked if that was Jesus sitting at the end of the bar. The bartender nodded, so the Italian said to give Him a glass of Chianti, too. The third patron to enter the bar was a Scouser,who swaggered into the bar and yelled, "Barkeeper, giv us a lager der la! Hey, is dat God's Boy down dere?" The barkeeper nodded, so the Scouser told him to give Jesus a lager, too. As Jesus got up to leave,he walked over to the Irishman and touched him and said, "For your kindness,you are healed!" The Irishman felt the strength comeback to his leg, so he got up and danced a jig out the door. Jesus touched the Italian and said, "For your kindness, you are healed!" The Italian felt his backstraighten, so he raised his hands above his head and did a flip out the door. Jesus walked towards the Scouser, but the Scouser jumped back and exclaimed,"**** off, I'll lose my disabiltity benefit!!!!"

 

[Chas]

And then the fight started...

My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, 'What's on TV?'
I said, 'Dust.'

And then the fight started...
................................................................................................................

My wife and I are watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" while we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"
"No," she answered.
I then said, "Is that your final answer?"
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, "Yes."
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And then the fight started....
................................................................................................................

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage.
I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.
The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed.
I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."
My loving wife of 10 years replied, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"

And then the fight started....
................................................................................................................

I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car.
You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny? Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.... He was a Dwarf!!!
He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, "I AM NOT HAPPY!!!"
So, I looked down at him and said, "Well, then which one are you?"

And then the fight started.....
................................................................................................................

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.'
I bought her some bathroom scales.

And then the fight started...
................................................................................................................

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security.
The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age.
I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home.
I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She said, That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.
She said, You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.

And then the fight started...
................................................................................................................

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.
My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'
Yes, I sighed, She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.
My God! says my wife, who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?

And then the fight started...
................................................................................................................

I took my wife to a restaurant.
The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
"I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"
Nah, she can order for herself."

And then the fight started...

 

[Chas]

The ASDA Greeter

A very loud, greasy, unattractive, tattooed, welfare dependent, chav, minger, woman wearing a Manchester United top walked into ASDA in Cheetham Hill with her two kids yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.

The ASDA greeter said pleasantly, “Good morning madam, and welcome to ASDA.
Nice children you have there. Are they twins by any chance?”

The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say,
”F*ck no, they're not twins.
The oldest one's 10, and the other one's 7.
Why the f*ck would you think they're twins?
Are you blind, thick or just stupid?”

”I'm neither blind nor stupid, Madam, “replied the greeter.
”I just couldn't believe you've been shagged twice.

Have a good day, and thank you for shopping at ASDA.”

 

[Jon Wildsmith]

you do have to wonder sometimes don't you

 

[TonyP]

Cardiologist and Motorcycle repair man

A motorcycle mechanic was removing a cylinder-head from the motor of a Harley-Davidson when he spotted a well-known cardiologist in his shop.

The cardiologist was there waiting for the service manager to come and take a look at his bike when the mechanic shouted across the garage, 'Hey Doc, want to take a look at this?' The cardiologist, a bit surprised, walked over to where the mechanic was working on the motorcycle.

The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, 'So Doc, look at this engine. I opened its heart, take the valves out, repair any damage, and then put them back in, and when I finish, it works just like new.

So how come I make $39,675 a year and you make $1,695,000 when you and I are doing basically the same work?'

The cardiologist paused, leaned over, and then whispered to the mechanic...

'Try doing it with the engine running'.

 

[Paul]

Did you hear about the fat, alcoholic transvestite – All he wanted to do was eat, drink and be Mary

Got an e-mail today from a bored local housewife, 43, who was looking for some hot action!
So I sent her my ironing. That’ll keep the lazy woman busy.

I got invited to a party and was told to dress to kill. Apparently a turban, beard and a backpack
wasn’t what they had in mind.

After a night of drink, drugs and wild sex Bill woke up to find himself next to a really ugly woman.
That’s when he realised he had made it home safely.

Paddy says to Mick, “Christmas is on Friday this year”. Mick said, “Let’s hope it’s not the 13th then.”

My mate just hired an Eastern European cleaner, took her 5 hours to Hoover the house. Turns out she was a Slovak

Since the snow came all the wife has done is look through the window. If it gets any worse, I’ll have to let her in.

Came home today to find all my doors and windows smashed in and everything gone. What sort of sick person
does that to someone’s Advent calendar…

I’ve been charged with murder for killing a man with sandpaper. To be honest I only intended to rough him up a bit.

After years of research, scientists have discovered what makes women happy. Nothing.

A lad comes home from school and excitedly tells his dad that he had a part in the school play and he was playing
a man who had been married for 25 years. The dad says, “Never mind son, maybe next year you’ll get a speaking part.”

Just had my water bill of £175 drop on my mat. That’s a lot. Oxfam can supply a whole African village for
just £2 a month: time to change supplier I think.

2 women called at my door and asked what bread I ate, when I said white they gave me a lecture on the
benefits of brown bread for 30 minutes…. I think they were Hovis Witnesses.

 

[Chas]

Courtesy of Max Miller

http://www.maxmiller.org/index.htm

A bit tame by todays standards, but still funny if you can remember Max Miller

I got two books, a white book and a blue book. And by that you can gather I got two sorts of stories.

It says in the white book ... listen,

There was a little girl
Who had a little curl
Right in the middle of her forehead;
And when she was good, she was very, very good,
And when she was bad she was very, very popular.

Now listen! You can't expect too much from the white book. This is the book. This is where we all get pinched! I don't care. I'll go. I've been there before, I have. I won't walk. I make them get the barrow out. I'm on the BLUE BOOK now.

She was but a village maiden,
Who's to say she was to blame?
But alas a wicked squire
Took away her honest name.
So she journeyed up to London
Seeking to forget her shame.
When another wicked squire
Took away her other...
'Ere... I got another one here.
You heard about the Yorkshire man who came to London and couldn't get some Yorkshire pudding. He went home and battered himself to death.

Mary had a little lamb
Who acted very silly.
She plucked the wool from off its back
And smacked its Piccadilly.
Which would you like, the blue book or the white book? You like both don't you.

Listen, I was in Spain four years ago and in Spain all the girls wear little knives in the top of their stockings. I found that out. So I said to myself, I'll find out exactly what the idea is so I said, "What's the idea of wearing a knife at the top of the stocking?" She said, "That's to defend my honour." I said, "What, a little tiny knife like that?" I said, "If you were in Brighton, you'd want a set of carvers!"

Mary had a little bear
To which she was so kind.
I often see her bear in front...
I'll get on to the next joke here.
Jack and Jill went up the hill
Just like two cock linnets.
Jill came down with half-a-crown,
She wasn't up there two ... 'Ere.
I better stay on the blue book ... eh? I think so, yeah?

Adam and Eve in the Garden dwelt,
They were so happy and jolly.
I wonder how they would have felt,
If all the leaves had been holly!

Listen, listen, are you listening, right. Father and son, the boy would be 8 or 9, he may be 10, we don't know, who cares anyway? His father took him to a cattle show on Saturday afternoon where the farmers were buying the bulls and cows, mostly bulls, when all of a sudden the little boy saw a farmer go up to a bull and the farmer started feeling the bull all along the back, he was feeling it, all down and all round, feeling all over. And the little boy said, "Daddy what's he doing?" And his father told him. His father said, "He's feeling to see if there is any meat on it. If there's any meat on it, he's going to buy it." The boy thanked his father for telling him. Two or three weeks later, the boy went to see his father at breakfast. The father asked him what he wanted. The boy said, "I think the butler wants to buy the cook."

There were eight women in a boat and one was expecting a happy event. The other seven wanted to help her, but they were all in the same boat.

Now there's a clever one!

Have you heard about the girl of eighteen who swallowed a pin, but didn't feel the prick until she was twenty-one?

I was walking along this narrow mountain pass - so narrow that nobody else could pass you, when I saw a beautiful blonde walking towards me. A beautiful blonde with not a stitch on, yes, not a stitch on, lady. Cor blimey, I didn't know whether to toss myself off or block her passage.

Boys will be boys, won't they? Lucky for you, girls, otherwise you'd get no fun ... no ... listen!

 

[Chas]

Tony and Yvonne were 85 years old and had been married for sixty years. Though they were far from rich, they managed to get by because Tony watched their pennies.

Though not young, they were both in very good health, largely due to Yvonne's insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last decade.

One day, their good health didn't help when they went on yet another holiday and their plane crashed, sending them off to Heaven.

They reached the pearly gates, and St. Peter escorted them inside. He took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath. A maid could be seen hanging their favourite clothes in the closet. They gasped in astonishment when he said, 'Welcome to Heaven. This will be your home now.'

Tony asked Peter how much all this was going to cost. 'Why, nothing,' Peter replied, 'remember, this is your reward in Heaven.'
Tony looked out the window and right there he saw a championship golf course, finer and more beautiful than any ever built on Earth...
'What are the greens fees?' grumbled Tony...
'This is heaven,' St. Peter replied. 'You can play for free, every day.'

Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch, with every imaginable cuisine laid out before them, from seafood to steaks to exotic deserts, free flowing beverages.
'Don't even ask,' said St. Peter to Tony. This is Heaven, it is all free for you to enjoy.'
Tony looked around and glanced nervously at Yvonne.
'Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods and the decaffeinated tea?' he asked.
That's the best part,' St. Peter replied. 'You can eat and drink as much as you like of whatever you like and you will never get fat or sick.
This is Heaven!'

'No gym to work out at?' said Tony
'Not unless you want to,' was the answer.
'No testing my sugar or blood pressure or...'
'Never again. All you do here is enjoy yourself.'




Tony glared at Yvonne and said, 'You and your f**king Bran Flakes. We could have been here ten years ago!'

 

[Chas]

Think you're having a bad day?

Iraqi terrorist Khay Rahnajet didn't pay enough postage on a letter bomb. It came back with 'return to sender' stamped on it. Forgetting it was the bomb, he opened it

Manchester police found a car bomb outside a mosque but told the public not to worry, they managed to push it inside

A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen shaking frantically, almost in a dancing frenzy, with some kind of wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current, she whacked him with a handy plank of wood, breaking his arm in two places. Up to that moment, he had been happily listening to his Walkman.

There now, feeling better?

 

[Gav Peter]

Sat opposite an Indian lady on the train today, she shut her eyes and stopped breathing.
I thought she was dead until I saw the red spot on her forehead, and realised she was just on standby.

Just Fostered a Muslim.
All 4 cans hit him right on the back of the head.

 

[BIG clean GREEN]

A New Zealand ventriloquist visiting Australia walks into a small town and sees a local sitting on his veranda patting his dog.

He figures he'll have a little fun, so he says to the Ocker... 'G' day, mind if I talk to your dog?'

Villager: 'The dog doesn't talk, you stupid Kiwi.'

Ventriloquist: 'Hello dog, how's it going mate?'

Dog: 'Yeah mate, doin' all right.'

Aussie: (look of extreme shock)

Ventriloquist: 'Is this villager your owner?' (pointing at the Villager)

Dog: 'Yep’

Ventriloquist: 'How does he treat you?'

Dog: 'Yeah, real good mate. He walks me twice a day, feeds me good tucker, and takes me to the lake once a week to play.’

Aussie: (look of utter disbelief)

Ventriloquist: 'Mind if I talk to your horse?'

Aussie: 'Uh, the horse doesn't talk either...I think.'

Ventriloquist: 'Hey horse, how's it going?'

Horse: 'Cool mate'

Aussie: (absolutely dumbfounded)

Ventriloquist: 'Is this your owner?' (Pointing at the villager)

Horse: 'Yep, that's him'

Ventriloquist: How does he treat you?

Horse: 'Pretty good mate, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often and keeps me in the shed to protect me from the heat.'

Aussie: (total look of amazement)

Ventriloquist: 'Mind if I talk to your sheep?'

Aussie: (in a panic) 'The sheep's a f*cking liar...'

 

[BIG clean GREEN]

Beer Goggles !!!!!!

http://img.thesun.co.uk/multimedia/archive/00622/beer_goggles_622180a.swf

 

[TonyP]

The Best Smart Ass Answers of the year!!

SMART ASS ANSWER #6
It was mealtime during an airline flight.
'Would you like dinner?', the flight attendant asked John, seated in front.
'What are my choices?' John asked.
'Yes or no,' she replied.

SMART ASS ANSWER #5
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her.
Without missing a beat, she said, 'Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub.'

SMART ASS ANSWER #4
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but she couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, ' Do these turkeys get any bigger?'
The stock boy replied, 'No ma'am, they're dead...'

SMART ASS ANSWER #3
The police officer got out of his car as the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. 'I've been waiting for you all day,' the officer said.
The kid replied, Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could.'
When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

SMART ASS ANSWER #2
A truck driver was driving along on the freeway and noticed a sign that read: Low Bridge Ahead. Before he knows it, the bridge is right in front of him and his truck gets wedged under it. Cars are backed up for miles.
Finally a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, 'Got stuck, huh?'
The truck driver says, 'No, I was delivering this bridge and I ran out of gas.'

SMART ASS ANSWER OF THE YEAR !!
A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. 'Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!'
A smart-ass student in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, 'What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?'
The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shook her head and sweetly said, 'Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand.'

A BONUS EXTRA
A woman is standing nude looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly... I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.

 

[ignat]

BBC News: Jo Yeates' body was missing sock

How on Earth did the police mistake a discarded sock for a human body?

 

[Chas]

Husband and Wife

WIFE:
What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?

HUSBAND:
Definitely not!

WIFE:
Why not - don't you like being married?

HUSBAND:
Of course I do.

WIFE:
Then why wouldn't you remarry?

HUSBAND:
Okay, I'd get married again.

WIFE:
You would? (With a hurtful look on her face).

HUSBAND:
(Makes audible groan).

WIFE:
Would you live in our house?

HUSBAND:
Sure, it's a great house.

WIFE:
Would you sleep with her in our bed?

HUSBAND:
Where else would we sleep?

WIFE:
Would you let her drive my car?

HUSBAND:
Probably, it is almost new.

WIFE:
Would you replace my pictures with hers?

HUSBAND:
That would seem like the proper thing to do.

WIFE:
Would she use my golf clubs?

HUSBAND:
No, she's left-handed.

WIFE:
- silence -

HUSBAND:
F*ck...

 

[Gary Stockton]

- Not every Flower can say love, but a Rose can.
 
- Not every Plant survives thirst, but a Cactus can.

- Not every Vegetable can read, but bless it... look at you, having a little go...

 

[Ecky Thump]

A tough looking biker was riding his Harley when he sees a girl about to jump off a bridge so he stops.

"What are you doing?" he asks.

"I'm going to commit a suicide," she says.

While he did not want to appear insensitive, he didn’t want to miss an opportunity he asked
"Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a blow job?"

So, she does.

After she's finished, the biker says,
"Wow! That was the best B.J. I have ever had. That's a real talent you are wasting. You could be famous
Why are you committing suicide?"

"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl......"

 

[Chas]

The Iraqi footballer

The Liverpool manager flies to Baghdad to watch a young Iraqi play football, is suitably impressed and arranges him to come over to Anfield. Two weeks later Liverpool are 4-0 down to Man Utd with only 20 minutes left. The manager gives the young Iraqi striker the nod and on he goes.

The lad is a sensation, scores 5 goals in 20 minutes and wins the game for Liverpool. The fans are delighted, the players and coaches are delighted and the media love the new star.

When the player comes off the pitch he phones his mum to tell her about his first day in English football. 'Hello mum, guess what?' he says 'I played for 20 minutes today, we were 4-0 down but I scored 5 and we won. Everybody loves me, the fans, the media, they all love me.'

'Wonderful,' says his mum, 'Let me tell you about my day. Your father got shot in the street and robbed, your sister and I were ambushed, gang raped and beaten and your brother has joined a gang of looters, and all while you were having such great time.'

The young lad is very upset. 'What can I say mum, but I'm so sorry.'

Sorry?!!! Sorry?!!!' says his mum, 'It's your bloody fault we moved to Liverpool in the first place!'

 

[BIG clean GREEN]

Billy was at school this morning in the outback and the teacher asked all the children what their fathers did for a living.
>
> All the typical answers came out, Fireman, Policeman, Salesman, Chippy, Captain of Industry etc,
>
> but little Billy was being uncharacteristically quiet so the teacher asked him about his father.
>
> "My father is an exotic dancer in a gay club and takes off all his clothes in front of other men.
>
> Sometimes if the offer is really good he'll go out with a man rent a cheap hotel room and let the man sleep with him."
>
>
>
> The teacher quickly set the other children some work and took little Billy aside to ask him if that was really true.
>
>
> "No" said Billy "He plays cricket for Australia but I was just too embarrassed to say" !!