Jokes

[BIG clean GREEN]

The latest toy has just hit the shops - the all talking Muslim doll !
Nobody knows what the hell it says ‘cause no one’s got the nerve to pull the cord.

 

[BIG clean GREEN]

I heard that Apple scrapped plans for a new children's iPod after
realizing
that iTouch Kids is not a good product name.

There's a new Muslim clothing shop that opened in Toronto but I've been
banned from it after asking to look at some bomber jackets.

You can say lots of bad things about pedophiles but at least they drive
slowly past schools.

A mate of mine has just told me he's shagging his girlfriend and her twin.
I said "How can you tell them apart?" He said "Her brother's got a
moustache".

Just put a deposit down on a brand new Porsche & mentioned it on FaceBook.
I said "I can't wait for the new 911 to arrive !" Next thing I know 4000
Muslims have added me as a friend !!

Being a modest man, when I checked into my hotel on a recent trip, I said
to
the lady at the registration desk ....
"I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled."
To which she replied, "No, it's regular porn, you sick ba**ard."

The red cross just knocked on our door and asked if we could help towards
the floods in Pakistan, I said we would love to, but our hose only reaches
to the bottom of the garden.

 

[Gav Peter]

Just been gang raped by a group of mime artists, they did unspeakable things to me................

I thought I'd be a gentleman and hold the door open for a young lady, two minutes later she said "will you sod off I'm trying to have a shit!!"

Brought the missus some crotchless knickers yesterday, It had nothing to do with a sexual nature, it was so she could get a better grip on her broomstick..

Advice for Kate Middleton - If you get divorced make sure you wear a seatbelt ...........................

Now on sale at IKEA - LESBO beds, no nuts or screwing involved, it’s all tongue and groove...............

A Muslim has been shot in the head with a starting pistol, police say it’s definitely race related....................

Due to a water shortage in Ireland, Dublin swimming baths have announced they are closing lanes 7 and 8..........................

Ginger bloke goes to the docs about a rash on his bollocks. The doc says "how often do you have sex?" He says "Once or twice a year!" The doc says "that's not a rash mate, its RUST".

I got a letter from Screw Fix Direct thanking me for my interest, but explaining they were not a dating agency...................

The lead actor in the local pantomime of Aladdin was anally raped by the gay genie on stage last night; to be fair the audience tried to warn him.

 

[Gav Peter]

- Not every Flower can say love, but a Rose can.
 
- Not every Plant survives thirst, but a Cactus can.

- Not every Vegetable can read, but bless it... look at you, having a little go...

LMFAO!!!

 

[Ecky Thump]

Forty Gypsies arrive at the Pearly Gates in their Transit vans and caravans.

St Peter goes into the gatehouse and phones up God, saying. 'I've got 40 travellers here. Can I let them in?'

God says 'We are over quota on Gypsies. Go out and tell them to choose between them which are the 12 most worthy, and I will let just the dozen in.'

Less than a minute later St Peter is on the phone to God again.

'They've gone,' he tells God.

'What?' says God, 'All 40 of them?'

'No, the gates!'

 

[Chas]

A guy picks up a girl in a bar and after a long night of making love he notices a photo of another man on the woman's nightstand by the bed. He begins to worry.
'Is this your husband?' he nervously asks.
'No, silly,' she replies, snuggling up to him.
'Your boyfriend then?' he continues.
'No' she says, nibbling away at his ear.

'Is it your dad or your brother?' he inquires, hoping to be reassured.
'No, no, no! You are so hot when you're jealous!' she answers.
'Well, who in the hell is he, then?' he demands.
She whispers in his ear
'That's me before the surgery.' ...

************************************

One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very Sexy nightie. 'Tie me up,' she purred, 'and you can do anything you want.' So he tied her up and went golfing.

*****************************************

A man came home, screeching his car into the driveway, and ran into the house. He slammed the door and shouted at the top of his lungs, 'Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!'
The wife said, 'Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?' 'Doesn't matter,' he said. 'Just get out.'

********************************************

Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is a husband.

*************************************

A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license. First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test The optician showed him a card with the letters
'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'
'Can you read this?' the optician asked.
'Read it?' the Polish guy replied, 'I know the guy.'

***********************************************

Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, 'I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent.' 'Thank God,' said an elderly nun at the back. 'I'm so tired of the chardonnay.

********************************************

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. 'Careful,' he said, 'CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the! Salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!' The wife stared at him. 'What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?'
The husband calmly replied, 'I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving.'

***************************************************************
Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was drafted by the Army. On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb. That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair. On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush. That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth. On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap. The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years.

*******************************************

 

[Gary Stockton]

The final formation flown by the about to be stood down Harrier squadron:

 

[Dave Docwra]

I hope the top brass understand how well that has been put..

 

[Crispin]

NAUGHTY FARMER

A Farmer orders an expensive milking machine. He decides to test it on
himself first, so he inserts his manhood into the equipment and turns on the
switch. Soon he realizes that the equipment provides him with more pleasure
than his wife does.

But when the fun is over, he realizes that he cannot remove the instrument
from his tool. Anxiously he reads the manual, but does not find any useful
information.

He tries every button on the instrument, without success. Finally the
Farmer decides to call the customer hotline.

''Hello, I just bought a Cow Milking Machine from your company, it works
fantastic, but how do you remove it from the cow's udder?''

"Don't worry sir'', replies the Customer Service Person, ''the machine will
release automatically once it has collected two litres!"

 

[Ecky Thump]

The funeral procession


A man was leaving a convenience store with his morning coffee...


...when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the
nearby cemetery.

A black hearse was followed by a second black hearse about 50 feet
behind the first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary man
walking a dog on a leash. Behind him, a short distance back, were
about 200 men walking single file.

The man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the
man walking the dog and said, "I am so sorry for your loss, and this
may be a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like
this. Whose funeral is it?"

"My wife's."

''What happened to her?"

The man replied, "My dog attacked and killed her."

He inquired further, "But who is in the second hearse?"

The man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife
when the dog turned on her."

A very poignant and touching moment of brotherhood and silence, passed
between the two men.






"Can I borrow the dog?"

The man replied, "Get in line."

 

[Ecky Thump]

When Love Fades...


Last night I was sitting on the sofa watching TV
when I heard my wife's voice from the kitchen.

"What would you like for dinner, my love? Chicken, Beef or Lamb?"

I said, "Thank you, I'll have chicken."

She replied "You're having soup, arse hole. I was talking to the cat."

 

[TonyP]

Bikers Blunder

A tough looking gang of bikers were out riding when they spotted an attractive young lady about to jump off a bridge - so they stopped.

The gang leader, a big burly guy, gets off his bike and says, "What are you doing?"

"I'm going to commit a suicide," she says.

While he did not want to appear insensitive, he didn't want to miss an opportunity either, so he asked, "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a kiss?"

So, she did, and it was a long, lingering, passionate kiss.

After she finished, the biker said, "Wow! That was the hottest kiss I have ever had. That's a real talent you'll be wasting. Why are you committing suicide?"

"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl......"

 

[Hutton]

Bikers Blunder

A tough looking gang of bikers were out riding when they spotted an attractive young lady about to jump off a bridge - so they stopped.

The gang leader, a big burly guy, gets off his bike and says, "What are you doing?"

"I'm going to commit a suicide," she says.

While he did not want to appear insensitive, he didn't want to miss an opportunity either, so he asked, "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a kiss?"

So, she did, and it was a long, lingering, passionate kiss.

After she finished, the biker said, "Wow! That was the hottest kiss I have ever had. That's a real talent you'll be wasting. Why are you committing suicide?"

"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl......"

This one has already been done on the previous page my friend!

 

[TonyP]

This one has already been done on the previous page my friend!

Oops

 

[Chas]

A policeman spots a huge black guy dancing on the roof of a Ford saloon car ......... so he radios for backup.

"What's the situation?" asks the Control operator.

"A big, fat, black guy is dancing on a car roof."

"You can't say that over the radio," replies the operator, "You have to use the politically correct terminology."

"Okay," says the cop:

"Zulu,,,,, Foxtrot,,,,, Sierra."

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

[Chas]

A woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestured alluringly to the bartender who approached her immediately.

She seductively signaled that he should bring his face closer to hers. As he did, she gently caressed his full beard.

'Are you the manager?' she asked, softly stroking his face with both hands. 'Actually, no,' he replied.

'Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him,' she said, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.

'I'm afraid I can't, he's not here at the moment' said the bartender breathing heavily..... 'Is there anything I can do?'

'Yes. I need you to give him a message,' she continued,

Running her forefinger across the bartender's lip and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.

'What should I tell him?' the bartender managed to say.


'Tell him, There's no toilet paper, hand soap or paper towels in the ladies toilet.'

 

[BIG clean GREEN]

Little Billy asks his dad for a telly in his room. Dad
reluctantly agrees. Next day Billy comes downstairs and asks, 'Dad,
what's love juice?'
Dad looks horrified and tells Billy all about sex.
Billy just sat there with his mouth open in amazement.
Dad says, 'So what were you watching?'
Billy says, ' Wimbledon ...'



A woman standing nude in front of a mirror says to her
husband, I look horrible, I feel fat & ugly, pay me a compliment.'
He replies, 'Your eyesight is perfect.'

Wife gets naked & asks hubby, 'What turns you on more, my
pretty face or my sexy body?'
Hubby looks her up & down and replies, 'Your sense of humour!



An elderly couple is attending Mass.
About halfway through, the wife leans over and says to her
husband, 'I just let out a silent fart; what do you think I should do?'
He replies, 'Put a new battery in your hearing aid.'

 

[Ecky Thump]

Blond On a Plane



A PLANE IS ON ITS WAY TO TORONTO , WHEN A BLOND IN

ECONOMY CLASS GETS UP, AND MOVES TO THE FIRST CLASS

SECTION AND SITS DOWN.



THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT WATCHES HER DO THIS, AND ASKS

TO SEE HER TICKET.



SHE THEN TELLS THE BLOND THAT SHE PAID FOR ECONOMY

CLASS, AND THAT SHE WILL HAVE TO SIT IN THE BACK.



THE BLOND REPLIES, "I'M BLOND, I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M

GOING TO TORONTO AND I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE."


THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT GOES INTO THE COCKPIT AND TELLS

THE PILOT AND THE CO-PILOT THAT THERE IS A BLONDE

BIMBO SITTING IN FIRST CLASS, THAT BELONGS IN

ECONOMY, AND WON'T MOVE BACK TO HER SEAT.



THE CO-PILOT GOES BACK TO THE BLOND AND TRIES TO

EXPLAIN THAT BECAUSE SHE ONLY PAID FOR ECONOMY

SHE WILL HAVE TO LEAVE AND RETURN TO HER SEAT.



THE BLOND REPLIES, "I'M BLOND, I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M

GOING TO TORONTO AND I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE."



THE CO-PILOT TELLS THE PILOT THAT HE PROBABLY SHOULD

HAVE THE POLICE WAITING WHEN THEY LAND TO ARREST

THIS BLOND WOMAN WHO WON'T LISTEN TO REASON.



THE PILOT SAYS, "YOU SAY SHE IS A BLOND? I'LL

HANDLE THIS, I'M MARRIED TO A BLOND. I SPEAK BLOND."



HE GOES BACK TO THE BLOND AND WHISPERS IN HER EAR,

AND SHE SAYS, "OH, I'M SORRY." AND GETS UP AND GOES

BACK TO HER SEAT IN ECONOMY..



THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT AND CO-PILOT ARE AMAZED AND

ASKED HIM WHAT HE SAID TO MAKE HER MOVE WITHOUT

ANY FUSS.


"I TOLD HER, "FIRST CLASS ISN'T GOING TO TORONTO ".

 

[Chas]

A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid.
When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time.....


I had a mate who was suicidal. He was really depressed, so I pushed him in front of a steam train.
He was chuffed to bits.


I was at a cashpoint yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance.
Not being one to disappoint I pushed the old dear over.


A new middle east crisis erupted last night as Dubai Television was refused permission to broadcast 'The Flintstones'.
A spokesman for the channel said....
'A claim was made that people in Dubai would not understand the humour,
but we know for a fact that people in Abu Dhabi Do.'


My son's been asking me for a pet spider for his birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were £70!!!
Stuff this, I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web.


Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarves are not happy.


Went around to a friends house today. His wife was sat there with their newborn baby. She asked if i'd like to wind it....
I thought that was a bit harsh so I gave it a dead leg instead.

I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea move.

 

[Graham]

Blond On a Plane



A PLANE IS ON ITS WAY TO TORONTO , WHEN A BLOND IN

ECONOMY CLASS GETS UP, AND MOVES TO THE FIRST CLASS

SECTION AND SITS DOWN.



THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT WATCHES HER DO THIS, AND ASKS

TO SEE HER TICKET.



SHE THEN TELLS THE BLOND THAT SHE PAID FOR ECONOMY

CLASS, AND THAT SHE WILL HAVE TO SIT IN THE BACK.



THE BLOND REPLIES, "I'M BLOND, I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M

GOING TO TORONTO AND I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE."


THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT GOES INTO THE COCKPIT AND TELLS

THE PILOT AND THE CO-PILOT THAT THERE IS A BLONDE

BIMBO SITTING IN FIRST CLASS, THAT BELONGS IN

ECONOMY, AND WON'T MOVE BACK TO HER SEAT.



THE CO-PILOT GOES BACK TO THE BLOND AND TRIES TO

EXPLAIN THAT BECAUSE SHE ONLY PAID FOR ECONOMY

SHE WILL HAVE TO LEAVE AND RETURN TO HER SEAT.



THE BLOND REPLIES, "I'M BLOND, I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M

GOING TO TORONTO AND I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE."



THE CO-PILOT TELLS THE PILOT THAT HE PROBABLY SHOULD

HAVE THE POLICE WAITING WHEN THEY LAND TO ARREST

THIS BLOND WOMAN WHO WON'T LISTEN TO REASON.



THE PILOT SAYS, "YOU SAY SHE IS A BLOND? I'LL

HANDLE THIS, I'M MARRIED TO A BLOND. I SPEAK BLOND."



HE GOES BACK TO THE BLOND AND WHISPERS IN HER EAR,

AND SHE SAYS, "OH, I'M SORRY." AND GETS UP AND GOES

BACK TO HER SEAT IN ECONOMY..



THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT AND CO-PILOT ARE AMAZED AND

ASKED HIM WHAT HE SAID TO MAKE HER MOVE WITHOUT

ANY FUSS.


"I TOLD HER, "FIRST CLASS ISN'T GOING TO TORONTO ".

Nice one Les,

Keep 'em up.

Graham