Jokes

[AndycruiserguyLomas]

Dead Penguins - I never knew this!
Did you ever wonder why there are no dead penguins on the ice in Antarctica ?
Where do they go?
Wonder no more ! ! !
It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualistic bird which lives an extremely ordered and complex life. The penguin is very committed to its family and will mate for life, as well as maintain a form of compassionate contact with its offspring throughout its life.
If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members of the family and social circle have been known to dig holes in the ice, using their vestigial wings and beaks, until the hole is deep enough for the dead bird to be rolled into, and buried.
The male penguins then gather in a circle around the fresh grave and sing:
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"Freeze a jolly good fellow."
"Freeze a jolly good fellow."

 

[AndycruiserguyLomas]

Murphy applied for a fork lift operator post at a famous Irish firm based in Dublin.
A Norwegian applied for the same job and since both applicants had similar qualifications, they were asked to take a test and led to a quiet room with no interruptions by the Manager.
When the results were in, both men had scored 19 out of 20.
The manager went to Murphy and said, "Thank you for coming to the interview, but we've decided to give the Norwegian the job.
Murphy,... "And why would you be doing that? We both got 19 questions correct. This being Ireland and me being Irish surely I should get the job.
Manager, "We have made our decision not on the correct answers, but on the question you got wrong.
Murphy, "And just how would one incorrect answer be better than another?
Manager "Simple; on question number 7 the Norwegian wrote down,
'I don't know.
You put down, 'Neither do I. "
11

 

[Michael Montgomery]

 

[Chas]

A farmer named Paddy was involved in a Car Accident.

He was hit by a Truck owned by the "Eversweet Company".

In court, the "Eversweet" Company's hot-shot Solicitor was questioning Paddy.

'Didn't you say to the Police at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?' asked the Solicitor.

Paddy responded: 'Well, I'll tell you what happened. I'd just loaded my fav'rit cow, Bessie, into da... '

'I didn't ask for any details', the Solicitor interrupted.

"Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine"..???

Paddy said, 'Well, I'd just got Bessie into da trailer and I was drivin' down da road.... '

The Solicitor interrupted again and said,

'Your Honour, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Police on the scene that he was fine..??? Now several weeks after the accident, he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question"..???

By this time, the Judge was quite interested in Paddy's answer and said to the Solicitor: 'I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favourite cow, Bessie'.

Paddy thanked the Judge and proceeded.' Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my fav'rit cow, into de trailer and was drivin' her down de road when this huge Eversweet truck and trailer came tundering tru a stop sign and hit me trailer right in da side. I was trown into one ditch and Bessie was trown into da udder.

By Jaysus I was hurt, very bad like, and didn't want to move. However, I could hear old Bessie moanin' and groanin'. I knew she was in terrible pain just by her groans.

Shortly after da accident, a Guarda on a Motorbike turned up.

He could hear Bessie moanin' and groanin' too, so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her condition, he took out his Gun and shot her between the Eyes.

Den da Policeman came across de road, Gun still in hand, looked at me, and said, 'How are you feelin"..??

'Now den, wot would you say"..???

 

[AndycruiserguyLomas]

Whoops,
I think I'm going to lose my driving licence
All just because of a narrow minded police officer with no sense of humour.
The conversation went like this, when I got pulled over in my car:
Officer: "Licence please, I think you are drunk!"
Me: "I assure you, I did not drink anything."
Officer: "Ok, let's do a little test! Imagine driving in the dark on a highway at night, when you see two lights in the distance. What is this?"
Me: "A car."
Officer:"Of course! But which one? A Mercedes, an Audi or a Ford?"
Me:"I have no idea!"
Officer: "So, you're drunk."
Me: "But I didn't drink anything."
Officer: "Okay, one more test -- Imagine, you drive in the dark on a highway at night, and there is one light coming at you. What is it?
Me: "A motorcycle."
Officer: "Of course! But which one? A Honda, a Kawasaki or a Harley?"
Me: "I have no idea!"
Officer: "As I suspected, you're drunk!"
Then I started to get annoyed and asked a counter question.
Me: "So..., counter question -- You're driving in the dark at night and see a woman on the roadside. She wears a mini skirt, fishnet stockings, high heeled shoes and only a bra as a top. What is this?"
Officer: "A prostitute of course."
Me: "Yes, but which one? Your daughter, your wife or your mother?"
Things went downhill from there and now I have a court date to attend.....

 

[AndycruiserguyLomas]

Six retired Irishmen were playing poker in O'Leary's apartment when Paddy Murphy loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest, and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen brother, the other five continue playing standing up.

Michael O'Connor looks around and asks, 'Oh, me boys, someone got's to tell Paddy's wife. Who will it be?'

They draw straws. Paul Gallagher picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse.

'Discreet??? I'm the most discreet Irishmen you'll ever meet. Discretion is me middle name. Leave it to me.'

Gallagher goes over to Murphy's house and knocks on the door. Mrs.. Murphy answers, and asks what he wants.

Gallagher declares, 'Your husband just lost $500, and is afraid to come home.'

'Tell him to drop dead!', says Murphy's wife..

'I'll go tell him.' says Gallagher.

 

[AndycruiserguyLomas]

I raced a Harley today. I was riding through the twisting sections of a back country road with no straight sections to speak of and where most of the bends have warning signs that say "40 ARAF". I knew if I was going to pass him, it would have to be a place where handling and rider skill are more important than horsepower alone.
I saw the guy up ahead as I exited one of the turns and knew I could catch him. I concentrated on my braking and cornering. A few corners later, I was on his rear wheel. Catching him was one thing; passing him would prove to be another.
Two corners later, I pulled up next to him as we sailed down a hill. I think he was shocked to see me next to him. I almost got by him before he could recover. Next corner, same thing. I'd manage to pull up next to him as we started to enter the corners but when we came out he'd get on the throttle and outpower me.
My only hope was to outbrake him. I held off squeezing the lever until the last instant. I kept my nerve while he lost his. In an instant I was by him. Corner after corner, I could hear the roar of his engine as he struggled to keep up.
Three more miles to go before the road straightens out and he would pass me for good.
But now I was in the lead and he would no longer hold me back. I stretched out my lead and by the time we reached the end of the twisties, he was more than a full corner behind. I could no longer see him in my rear-view mirror.
Once the road did straighten out, it seemed like it took miles before he passed me, but it was probably just a few hundred yards. I was no match for that kind of horsepower, but it was done. In the tightest section of road, where bravery and skill count for more than horsepower and deep pockets, I had passed him.
I will always remember that moment.....
Cos I don't think I've ever pedalled so hard in my life........

 

[Chas]

I raced a Harley today. I was riding through the twisting sections of a back country road with no straight sections to speak of and where most of the bends have warning signs that say "40 ARAF". I knew if I was going to pass him, it would have to be a place where handling and rider skill are more important than horsepower alone.
I saw the guy up ahead as I exited one of the turns and knew I could catch him. I concentrated on my braking and cornering. A few corners later, I was on his rear wheel. Catching him was one thing; passing him would prove to be another.
Two corners later, I pulled up next to him as we sailed down a hill. I think he was shocked to see me next to him. I almost got by him before he could recover. Next corner, same thing. I'd manage to pull up next to him as we started to enter the corners but when we came out he'd get on the throttle and outpower me.
My only hope was to outbrake him. I held off squeezing the lever until the last instant. I kept my nerve while he lost his. In an instant I was by him. Corner after corner, I could hear the roar of his engine as he struggled to keep up.
Three more miles to go before the road straightens out and he would pass me for good.
But now I was in the lead and he would no longer hold me back. I stretched out my lead and by the time we reached the end of the twisties, he was more than a full corner behind. I could no longer see him in my rear-view mirror.
Once the road did straighten out, it seemed like it took miles before he passed me, but it was probably just a few hundred yards. I was no match for that kind of horsepower, but it was done. In the tightest section of road, where bravery and skill count for more than horsepower and deep pockets, I had passed him.
I will always remember that moment.....
Cos I don't think I've ever pedalled so hard in my life........

You big Nellie Andrew.

 

[Shayne]

When i first visited Wales i said to the mrs he must be a tearaway this Araf fella they put warnings on every corner for him !

 

[AndycruiserguyLomas]

A welsh man and a English man are in Greggs. The English man steals 3 pasties & puts them in his pocket then boasts to the welsh man "Yo did u See that the staff never saw me"The welsh man says "thats nothing, watch this" .He says to the manager "give me 3 pasties and i'll show you some magic"He eats them all and the manager says "How is that magic?" The welsh man replied "check the English man's pocket"

 

[AndycruiserguyLomas]

I saw this for sale next week.

 

[SteveJB]

Whats the height of passion ?
Waking up with a lump in your throat and finding the string attached !,,,,,,,

 

[AndycruiserguyLomas]

Larry Is In The Hospital . . . ....... Who in the hell is Larry? Well Larry is the guy who gets home late one night and Linda, his wife, says "Where the hell have you been?" Larry replies "I was out getting a tattoo!" "A tattoo"? She frowned. "What kind of tattoo did you get?" "I got a hundred pound note on my privates" he said proudly. "What the hell were you thinking"? She said, shaking her head in disgust. "Why on earth would a Chartered Accountant get a hundred pound note tattooed on his privates?" "Well, one, I like to watch my money grow. Two, once in a while I like to play with my money. Three, I like how money feels in my hand. And, lastly, instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here at home and blow a hundred pounds anytime you want." Larry is in Critical Care Unit, Room 233 Edinburgh Royal Infirmary

 

[Chas]

 

[Chas]

 

[Chas]

I’m going to put up a marquee in my garden with flashing lights and funky music.
This will be the winter of my disco tent

 

[AndycruiserguyLomas]

Got kicked out of a Flat Earth Society Facebook group yesterday

All I did was ask if the 2m social distancing guidelines had pushed anyone over the edge yet.

 

[Chas]

A wealthy woman was discussing cars with a posh friend.
Posh woman boasted that she owned a convertible Bentley.
So what the wealthy friend replied.
I have a pervertible Rolls Royce.
Pervertible? posh friend asks, Never heard of that model?
No problem wealthy woman says, the roof doesn't go down on you but the Chauffer does!

 

[Chas]

The Wi-Fi wasn't working last night so I sat talking to the missus for a while.
Interesting to find out she no longer works for Woolworths.

 

[Chas]

With the current restrictions on meetings I've decided this Christmas, to form a Christmas choir, I hope that will be allowed concerning numbers, anyone wanting to join will be welcomed,
so far, I have

Dean, Don, Mary, Lee and I.